Death Ride For Dixie Bride

Death Ride For Dixie Bride

Shark Infested Waters doesn’t photograph too many weddings. That’s because generally we’d rather die in a fireball. There’s something creepy and sacrificial about most weddings that makes us a little uncomfortable. It’s no coincidence that most Royal Weddings occur in times of deep international aggression and serve to distract the population from the sinister forces of armageddon. Look! A bride! Awwwwww…

Years ago I knew a girl in Bromley. Everybody thought that she was as timid as a moth. Gill had long red hair and worked for Barclays Bank. She planned and paid for her wedding using her father’s credit card. She organised the grand event down to the last little detail. She organised the church, the choir, the flowers, the photography, the food … no tiny token was left unforgotten. The only detail that Gill forget to organise was the small matter of an actual human fiancé. Her family immediately sectioned Gill into Farnborough Hospital. One night, however, she managed to break out and walk barefoot through South London in her wedding dress to London Bridge where she promptly jumped into the abyss. All of which would be a tragic story if Gill had not landed on a sand barge chugging downstream. Gill ended up in Canvey Island with no more than a few bruises and a dented tiara. It’s always the quiet ones.   Read More

In Praise Of…Kim McAuliffe

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In Praise Of…Kim McAuliffe

Writing songs for teenagers who want to kill themselves is like shooting fish in a barrel. Keep it bleak, keep it sad and keep it just one chord short of a life support machine because teenagers don’t really want to die. Which is a shame. Young people are so lame. Writing songs to inspire those same teenagers to run riot through the streets screaming blue murder is, however, a far more fantastic talent altogether. Girlschool’s first three albums cluster-bombed an incendiary path between the jumble of Punk and NWOBHM. Raw, ragged and razor-sharp, they inhabited a rarified planet in some booze-fuelled corner of hyperspace and yet delivered everything with a loveable menace and knuckle-hard aplomb. Tough hit singles (with and without Mötorhead) cemented the girls’ reputation as chart-busting pioneers and a hooligan force of sheer exuberance. Slade’s Noddy Holder described them as “uncontrollable” when he foolishly agreed to produce the band’s fourth album. Jimmy Page remains a fan. Guitarist Kelly Johnson is sadly no longer with us.   Read More

Decapitate Kylie…End All War

photography on rhodes

Decapitate Kylie…End All War

So beheading is back in the news after a few centuries’ absence. How practical. How efficient. How very Ikea. It must be re-assuring for some people to know that the old ways really were the best. You simply don’t need nuclear submarine fleets and stealth technology when you own a big fucking knife. It’s not often that we’re inspired by medieval murder techniques at Shark Infested Waters, but anyone who cannot understand the undiluted impact of public decapitation needs to be hot-wired into the real world. There is no remote control anymore. You don’t like it? Tough. Switch channels? Tough. You going to be all grown up now and negotiate around a table in the desert? Tough. We’ve got a foreign aid worker in an orange jumpsuit and you’re all going to watch. We’ll make it real easy for y’all and even send over the fucking TV schedule. Got it? Good.

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